Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

   Just did 50 push ups. Really only 5 but 50 looks better on facebook

   These voices in my head are really annoying , but sometimes they come up with a good idea .

   I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.

   ‎"Be excellent to each other." ~ Bill S. Preston Esquire & Ted "Theodore" Logan

   "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine" -- Abraham Lincoln

   ❒Flossin' ❒Ballin' ✔Bill Gaten'

   Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.

   at the current rate of the economy hookers are gonna be giving away toasters soon.

   Feels sorry for K-9 drug sniffin dogs on their day off.....what do you mean we're not going to work....you don't understand mannnnn.

   2 beers $12, 3 margaritas $15, 4 jello shots $20 dollars, taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   My blood type is Dutch Bros.

   I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!

   I bought a race horse and named it "my face" just so I can hear women shouting "come on my face!"

   I Just Drove Like Six Miles With My Left Turn Signal On...Yep I'm Officially Old!  ☹

   When trying on pants, even the most vile curse words very rarely make the pants change their mind and fit comfortably.

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   watching a cooking show full of dumb hosts and arrogant chefs. Yes, I think they should all try the smelly sauerkraut water - and choke to death.

   Yeah, yeah. It's Hump Day, but get off my leg, please. I don't like you that much.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.