Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a wondrous tranquility being in a work restroom stall in an empty restroom. The song of evacuational freedom may ring unbridled and resonant.

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what someone said?

   Hand Sanitizer... the best way to find invisible cuts for over 10 years now!

   By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.

   We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

   ''Are you free tomorrow?'' No, i'm expensive.

   Today, an insect settled on my monitor. Being lazy, I tried waving my mouse at it, but it wouldn't move. So I loaded a picture of Justin Bieber. Worked like a charm.

   *teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"

   The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"

   Dear Air Traffic Contollers, It's not enought that the FAA has security patting down 6 year olds, but for the love of God, take a six pack of Red Bull in a cooler with you when you go to work at night. Sincerely, the public.

   *Home phone rings* Me-Hello Tom-Hey dude where r you (dude r you stupid,,,u called my home number nd you asking me where I am.....wtf)

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   really starting to believe that my bosses 'other car' is a broomstick

   oh the pain, hurts so good, I almost get breathless, so so hot baby, got to be the best hot wings ever

   If next Friday , the Friday before Easter has always been known as Good Friday ( Which sort of bothered me because it was far from a Good Friday for our Crucified Savior) shouldn't the Friday before Palm Sunday be known at least as Mediocre Friday?

   I just watched a mattress commercial where the lady said, "It feels really good, no matter what position I'm in".....Why can't I meet a woman like that????

   If your man enough to hit it, your mand enough to take care of it.

   Hey I like how you do your makeup! Really? Thanks :) Ya do you just dip your face in or use a brush?