Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   Rand Paul has been tested positive for Coronavirus. Yes!!!! Thank you lord! Thank you Jesus Christ!

   I'm glad the earth is solving our over-population problem. Keep it up, mother earth.

   Don't care about nudes, send me a video of you washing your hands

   tested positive for missing my homies

   Have we tried unplugging 2020 waiting 30 seconds and then plugging it back in?

   Before Coronavirus, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

   I'm glad we have a Space Force rather than a pandemic response team.

   Boo hoo! I'm so mad that I can't go out and mindlessly hang around some dive bar watching some crummy cover band butcher my 5 favorite songs from some 80' hair metal hacks!

   I think Facebook should change What's on your mind? To What's on your mind, besides the Coronavirus?

   I definitely didn't stockpile enough hot sauce.

   Virus Tip - If you run out of toilet paper, just spray Pam between your butt cheeks and poop won't stick. Don't ask how I know this...

   I am going through a lot of toilet paper and kleenex in self-isolation .. . I get it now.

   Ruby can finally take her love to town... guilt free.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”