Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are hosting a singing competition on Fox! Who comes up with these radical new ideas?

   work me harder, makes me better, do me faster makes me stronger.

   Lieutenant Dan, ice cream.

   When Johnny Walker does his taxes, he puts me as a dependant...

   My new hobby is Ice Sculpting... yesterday I made a cube

   If my death is as extraordinary as my life... then I should go quietly in my sleep.

   has been considering a lobotomy... it seems like a no-brainer.

   I must be allergic to peanuts. I break into a rash every payday.

   I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost outta beer.

   "Wow, this place is so clean! I could literally eat off the floor!" - my dog at every place she's ever been.

   "Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"

   i hate when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is my president

   looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".

   What you call hoarding, I call forgetting to take out the garbage for 278 consecutive weeks.

   People who brag they have haters are doing their so called haters a favor by making you look more of a douchebag than you already are.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.

   what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

   Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.

   walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy