Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can use facebook for things other than finding a partner now that I can count on the gas pump to screw me

   was thinking tonight, if your parents sent you to school with a giant "lunchable" pack for your lunch everyday, they didnt love you

   People are talking about the oil companies profits. People need to be talking about the fed government income from the gas taxation. Talk about being appalled and they don't do anything but collect money...

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   I've got five fingers. the middle is yours.

   Be careful in who you choose... and careful what you fall for.

   come on playstation network you were hacked and have been down for 5 days, learn from Jesus, he was crucified and only down for 3 day

   Please allow me to illustrate my point: .

   "I should of gotten an A in English class". No, you shouldn't HAVE

   Look down at your chest, a little to the left OK - that's where i'll always rest.

   God Created the Universe,everything else is 'Made In China'

   You are the most amazing thing I could ever ask for. I love you with all my heart and I hope you never change again because you are perfect the way you are. You mean the world to me in every single way. Love you FB

   When I got Internet, I started watching T.V. less and less.

   Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b**ch.Sincerely, The Titanic

   Dear Rubik's Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.

   ‎ I really hope Prince William doesn't get cold teeth, err, I mean feet!

   I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven't caught one yet.

   Google has gotten so used to my search habits, all I have to do is type a celebrity's name and it automatically adds "nude".