Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

   While having sex, a guy says to his wife "Honey, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

   I'm eatin' in a world where i'm considered baked,

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist,, I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

   Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.

   This guy knocked on my door today askin' for a donation to the city pool... I went away & came back w a glass of water.. Is that wrong?

   Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

   A man posted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

   (_8(I) - Tilt your head to the left. Who does this look like?

   I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th, since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse!

   just figured i'd remind everyone that tomorrow is friday the 13th so if your luck is anything like mine call into work, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and lock yourself in your house

   wearing flip-flops, a tropical shirt, and smoking a joint with 3 hippie-chicks between renditions of kumbaya...anybody care to join?

   - A blonde text me and said "What does IDK mean?" I text'd back "I don't know." She then text'd me "Dang that sucks nobody knows!"

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".