Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I smash mirrors, walk under ladders, spill salt & cross paths with black cats. Be afraid... be very, very afraid, its Friday the 13th!!!

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   it safe for white folks to say the n word while doing karaoke ?

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

   While having sex, a guy says to his wife "Honey, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

   I'm eatin' in a world where i'm considered baked,

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist,, I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

   Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.

   This guy knocked on my door today askin' for a donation to the city pool... I went away & came back w a glass of water.. Is that wrong?

   Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

   A man posted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

   (_8(I) - Tilt your head to the left. Who does this look like?

   I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th, since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse!