Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 man code violations to report this week..1) seen a guy drinkin a can a diet pepsi with a straw 2) heard that two guys rode to work together on the same motorcycle 3) seen a guy driving a mini van with a doo rag on

   Cicadas, Crafty LiL critters... I swear they play dead then when you turn away they fix those beady red eyes on your back and can fly just enough to land in your hair! Oh, and they have a death grip, 150 mph blower and they laugh...laugh I tell you!

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already'

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check... Horny campers, that's easy!

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   Man this haterade tastes nasty! How can so many people drink this?!

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...

   Cha cha cha cha ......... kah kah kah kah kah ............... cha cha cha cha cha ............... kah kah kah kah kah! Mrs. Voorhees the original psycho mom!

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.