Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   I feel like when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumbass over here?"

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   I hate it that I can't bounce a tic tac on my pencil...

   i wish it was like the old days when the only thiing I had to worry about was the monster under my bed or which color I wanted to draw a picture

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   Did anyone else notice the look on Haleys face when they announced Laurens name instead of hers? CLASSIC !!

   leave a message and if I don't get back to you I don't like you

   If the rapture is Saturday...I hope the Lord knows that I was listening to the preacher while colorin'

   My neighbor tried...BUT it is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap!!

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

   rapture tip : It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn't helpful, but it is acceptable.

   rapture tip : Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it's going to be one hell of a fire.

   rapture tip : Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn't want a hug ... she wants your brains