Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with my luck I would win the lotto then the world would end the day after

   Found a can of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes in a men's room stall at work. I don't think I'd want to wipe my a$$ with anything that has Clorox in it. That can't end well. (Pardon the pun)

   Best pre-Rapture line of the month: "My Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all day."

   Dear Facebook Friends, You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you look like in the future. You won't see what the man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free I-Pads and you can't see the video of Osama's death on face

   ‎...And you ALL laughed at me when I said Justin Bieber was a sign of the Apocalypse!!!

   Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'Still Water'. Good, because if it had changed to cider, I probably wouldn't have drunk it.

   The well known phrase, 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' usually applies, except in"Their" and "Alzheimer's"...What happened, did they forget?

   I heard a strange fact today. Over 1 million dogs in the United States are named the primary benefactor of their owner's will. That's an awful name for a dog!

   Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is?

   would rather go down a slide of razor blades into a pool of lemon juice than go back to work today.

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

   Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.

   I used to suffer with terrible flashbacks. Luckily, they're a thing of the past.

   If you really want a great, fulfilling life you have to work very hard for ..... hold on a sec, they're about to draw the lottery numbers

   Our housing estate has a small, resident ghost that helps out during hard times. It's nice to have a little community spirit.

   I was speaking to a guy who reckons he is able to throw a stick, for two miles and the dog retrieves it. Sounds a bit far fetched.

   Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don't know how to take that.

   Anyone knows at what time the End of the world will be on Saturday? I feel like I owe it to myself to have one nice meal before it starts

   I tried to help my Uncle Mario contact his dead brother, I tried everything but even the Luigi board didn't work.

   "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.", Ernest Hemingway