Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could find a drug dealer that could get me about 200 mg of Phuckitol.......

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   What do you call a monkey thats always exploding? A ba-boom.

   Netanyahu's wife needs to give Michelle Obama a tee shirt that reads, "Don't you wish your husband could be a man like mine?"

   wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...

   rael, I will trade my Obama for your Netanyahu and I will even throw in Joe Biden if you want him........

   not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink...I already have one

   Chris Brown: If you had only used Whips & Chains, instead of Sticks & Stones, you may have avoided jail time...

   thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer

   I smell bacon.....I smell pork! Run little piggies cuz I got a fork!

   I remember long ago I was going to make a big splash in this world...Turns out it was only a fart in the tub of life.

   Another fun day in Oz, toto

   just heard that Harold Camping is the new front running Republican presidential candidate

   Hangover 2 people Hangover 2.

   this guy predicting the apocalypse is camping? Seriously, all this brouhaha caused by one homeless guy?

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?