Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   DNA Tests today confirmed danny devito is arnolds love child..

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial weekend everyone!!

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's

   earth is full, go home.

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Your first mistake was leaving me. Your second mistake was thinking I would die without you.

   Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.

   86. Sometimes I like to order pizza from Domino's and when the delivery boy rings the bell I open the door in a Pizza Hut outfit.

   Sometime I look at people and think, "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh!t a better argument than that"

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   The way to a girls heart, is through your wallet.

   gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits".That way when a few ppl add me, it'll say: you and 5 other ppl r now friends with benefit

   If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!

   Forget about differences, let's talk about our similaritites. You ever wake up in the middle of the night, and you don't know what freakin' day it is?