Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.

   A friend is like a good bra: hard to find, comfortable, supportive, always lifts you up, makes you look better, never lets you down or leaves you hanging, and always close to your heart.

   I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea.

   Excuse me guys, help here. What does it mean if the husband of a woman you have been flirting with on Facebook sends you a friend request? Am I in trouble? Should I be worried?

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   STILL, loking for a Russian maid with ten fingers like a mouth and a mouth like ten fingers...

   So it turns out the bean sprouts are innocent and have been released without charge, cucumbers are still suspect and being interviewed. But I have a seriously guilty looking tomato in the fridge......

   WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.

   Plaxico Burress is out of jail today... Only a black man would be sent to jail for 2 years for shooting himself...

   After seeing Jennifer Aniston new boyfriend, I just realized that possibly I did have a chance....

   planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now he doesn't know what to feed it.

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   They need to make a pop tart without all the crust

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

   That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!