Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grandfather used to get up at 5am every morning and deliver milk to people's doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart.... He wasn't a milkman , he was clinically insane.

   my girlfriend dresses to kill .Coincidentally , she also cooks the same way.

   A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized...lol :P

   I'm almost sure she's cheating on me with her boyfriend.

   Losing his kidneys at candy mountain

   Tina you Fat lard come get some dinner

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   I just let a disturbance in the force.

   Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver

   says a lot of Democrats are standing behind Congressman Weiner, not because they support his cause, they are simply afraid what would happen to them if they stood in front him.

   some people just don't understand sarcasm.

   The color 9 is my favorite letter.

   You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

   I just came up with a new reality show. It's called "Pushing the Kardashians Into Oncoming Traffic." One episode is all you'll need....

   "Want half of my sandwich?"- Jeffery Dahmer

   Question of the day: If cannibals argue with each other, is it considered a food fight?

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.

   learned yesterday to never EVER play "Simon Says" with my 5-yr-old. "Simon Says stick your finger in your butt." What do you do then? Refuse and thus forfeit? Or comply and be humiliated? Either way, he wins.

   You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   I like how Facebook tells me I found these friends using their friend finder. um no I found these friends before I had hair on my balls back when I could have been rich had I thought of Facebook