Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!

   Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

   LIKE if you do this: Waking up and checking your Facebook like its the morning paper.

   That awkward moment when a stranger asks to borrow your cell to make a quick call. No good reason to say NO, but in your head you're thinking of every excuse in the book. "Sorry, I work for the FBI and cant allow any unauthorized person to use my phone."

   Betty White naked...whoops this isnt Google..

   The squiggly red lines you get when typing in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.

   I had to sit on the floor at the airport so I could charge my phone and iPad. This must be what the depression felt like.

   Whats with people who reach facebook maximum friends limit and have to open another account to accommodate more new friends? Are you really that popular or you are just a slut?

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   It's rush hour and a million people are going West and a million are going East. We should either swap jobs or swap houses

   Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it ?

   Who came up with kisses? The very first kiss must've been creepy "What're you doing why R you sucking my face?" "Jus trust me on this one"

   Release the hounds Smithers!

   If women made cat calls at men & stared at our crotches, betcha WE wouldn't be offended.

   a light eater . As soon as it is light he starts eating.

   My friend lost his tongue in a industry accident , he doesn't talk about it

   Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly .