Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

   Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   just got a papercut… we'll just see if I recycle this week… stupid tree

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   what's the best gym to pretend I go to?

   Now where did I put those crystals for this napoleon dynamite time machine?

   When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

   ____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   Lebron needs to start asking himself WWJD ( what would Jordan Do?)