Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   why is my imaginary friend SO good at hide and seek?

   Ever notice how the most tattooed guy everywhere you go is the one thats always broke?

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press the share button.

   Yes I look at the accident after Ive waited in traffic to pass it, its my turn.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but its okay I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: dont panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, were not that far from you.

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothings" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!