Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to say whats on my mind but @Kanye West showed up and took away the keyboard! What a jackass...

   Everybody should have a friend who stutters... its like having your own personal dj...

   I'm seeing alot of lesbian couples with kids. This tells me that men needa start making better fathers than women. Quit slackin fellas.

   When I run for president, if you vote for me i'll make it so homeless people can't have dogs anymore.

   If the address on your id and the address where you live are one and the same then you ain't my type of people

   I use my cellphone as a flashlight, and hit random buttons to keep it lit.

   Saving a file as "dyjjyggffj", because I'm too lazy to write a proper name.

   For most things there's MasterCard For everything else there's Vodka

   OMG! Maury Povich just pulled up with a camera crew.. My fathers day just got complicated.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They're treated like children, and expected to act like adults.

   Al Qaeda has a new leader, may a new round of hide and seek begin

   I'll never forget from my EX last words: "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.

   Happy Fathers Day, mom!!! :D

   No matter what you can do, no matter how talented you are, no matter how amazing and unique that talent may be, somewhere in the world an Asian kid can do it better.