Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

   Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing different colored lipstick, I am getting a damn rainbow around my d*ck.

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.

   To everyone on Facebook that plays Farmville or Cityville and sends me requests every hour of the day: Go hang yourselves.

   I never really understood why people drive around the parking lot looking for a spot right near the door, only to get out and walk around the mall for 5 hours...

   I just made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. We have to shake things up to make it work.

   If you cant make someone happy, then stand aside and let them be with someone who can.

   Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.

   I'm all for getting stuff done, but forgetting lunch is where I draw the line.

   I can't believe this is the last Harry Potter movie. It's the end of an era. Who knows, maybe someone will turn it into a book.

   Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!

   Ladies, it's not that there are no good men out there. It's just that you turned down 6 of em that wanted a chance to treat you right and you chose the a$$hole.

   My Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   When offering an apology, if you include buts... and excuses it kind of negates the apology... What do you think?

   Dear ladies. I know you are "twice the woman", but that doesn't mean you have to wear twice the swimsuit...A one-piece will do much better

   There is never a GOOD way to say BYE.

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   Her eyes were like diamonds, so shiny and bright. But her teeth were like stars... they come out every night.

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.