Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only if you held me like you held your pride, we would still be together to this day.

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   When my phone falls, I panic. When my friend falls, I laugh my a$$ off.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.

   Sticking a tongue out is kids' way of giving someone the middle-finger.

   my handheld social networking device is ringing! what do I do?.

   This status update you are reading is brought to you by your psychological addiction to Facebook. If you don't believe you are an addict, then why did you finish reading this status update......?

   Ever get the feeling you're living in a snowglobe someone won't stop shaking?

   DIET= Do I Eat That...

   “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee

   Got a new puppy, due to an accident he has no legs, we named him Stay. He has only learned 1 trick.

   told my son he should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, he responded by asking me if I drink beer for the electrolytes

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.

   I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...

   On "It starts tomorrow diet."

   We worry too much about sleeping with someone we don´t know than to actually take the time to find someone worth waking up to.

   As long as Rebecca Black is alive Casey Anthony will always be the 2nd most hated living person

   I am glad I am American, and I am glad that I am free, but I wish I was a dog, and Obama was a tree.

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.