Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar

   From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and damn move on.

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.

   I like going to mcdonalds and ordering a egg mcmuffin and a mcchicken just to see what comes first.

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up.. Baffle 'em with BS!! ;-)

   This is a RAKE & SHOVEL conversation. No HOES allowed! :)

   heard that Amy Winehouse didn't do any drugs today. Good for her!

   Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl

   I've recently come to realize that pajamas with pockets is the greatest invention EVER! They make it SOOO much easier to hide the stuff I steal when I visit my local Wal-Mart store...

   ....where are all the cabbage patch parents?

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o