Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   two months from now, toilet paper still remains out of stock. the people begin to riot. the charmin bears perch upon their mountain of wealth, watching humanity suffer

   Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof !

   .. I maybe dumb enough to listen to him, but I am smart enough not to believe him.

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps...

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   Some guys should have beards - Ugly, overweight.. Some guys shouldn't - Good looking, like myself.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   Some people are so clueless, they couldn't buy a clue at Clue-mart on National Clue Day with a fist full coupons for a free clue.

   The president is offering cure advice with disinfectant to a country who require NOT FOR RECTAL USE warnings on curling irons

   With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened.

   I am so tired of this virus I'm gonna ask my wife if that offer to smack me all the way into next year is still on the table.

   He also said something about using ultraviolet light inside the body. So I guess Dumbo crats are now shoving flashlights up their butts.