Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Who will go down in history as the best HIDE AND GO SEEK player....Bin Laden or Casey Anthony?

   Mentally. Physically. Faster. Stronger. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard.

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   Why was that Rorschach guy so obsessed with drawing pictures of my mom naked?

   Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Cause and effect moron.

   Pouring petrol in a diesel car is like pouring vodka into a woman, it seems alright at first but you just know later on it's gonna break down!

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.

   August 2: the date when the federal government is forecast to hit the debt limit and see all new loans cut off. Falls during "Simplify Your Life Week." Really?

   wishes all the mourners outside Amy Winehouse's home would please form a line? After all it's what she would've wanted.

   Be careful about the type of relationship you get yourself into. Don't be what they need, be what they want. There is a huge difference.

   Dear girl at the bar with the smokin body, long tan legs and amazing knockers, your face looks like a man so I bet you get it from behind a lot. #KeepinItReal

   Some people run marathons, I watch them on my couch. Indiana Jones on Syfy!!!

   If days of the week were people, Mondays would be gingers

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people