Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   Still haven't figured out how to inflate a balloon with farts. Still no way I'm gonna stop trying.

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   They began filming the new Batman movie here in Pittsburgh. This is going to be great!! In this one, he gets caught by the bad guys and the Gotham Police…Damn road construction!!

   I hear that if congress can reach a deal on the US debt ceiling, that Obama will be given a 2nd nobel peace prize for no reason at all

   I am thinking people with Bulimia like KFC because it comes with a bucket!

   SINGLE= Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   Why is it that married, engaged and other supposedly “taken” women flirt much more than single women? Are they damn greedy or they just want to enjoy the best of both worlds?

   says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   Apple currently has more money on their balance sheet than the Federal Government........

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....

   Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.