Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

   What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   I LOVE my new x rated -GPS "Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes! Right there! Don't stop!!"

   One day my imaginary friend said to me: ''Do realize I am the real one and I am imagining you, right?''

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia

   They say that life's a dream… well call this insomnia

   4 words to ruin any meal: Fred and Ethel porn

   If you're using your girlfriend or boyfriends name as your password, can I punch you? Or would that make you more stupid?

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   GRUMPY OLD MAN "You need to pick up after your dog!!" ME "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up… be my guest"

   21 Minutes of battery life left. "That's enough time for me to finish what I am doing" 6 Minutes Later: Laptop Shuts Down "You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!"

   The best things in life aren't free, they're 16 bucks a case and either 60 bucks at the cat house or the cost of room and board at home.

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   Life and Wife are two words that rhyme, but if you have one, you can't have the other!

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.