Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

   we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   takes wine in a box to a whole different level

   The grass IS greener on the other side, but the gardener does not always show up.

   Does anyone else find F5 to be a very refreshing button to press?

   Its Funny How Some People Worry More About What Others Think Then What They Feel . . [ </3 ]

   My name is __________ and my goal is to make you smile.

   says I made a starteling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

   I'm convinced my physical therapist thinks I'm a cross between "Gumby" and "Stretch Armstrong"....Today I left her office (a.k.a medieval torture chamber) folded into some form of decorative origami. :/

   36 Million pounds of tainted ground turkey was recently recalled. I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy turkey taint in the first place.

   Just because a few people, most of whom were drunk, said you are pretty, doesn't automatically mean you are a model.

   Hie! do you want to dance? Ok, go and dance while I talk to your cute friend here.

   I hate it when I keep my swag on all day and overswagulate.

   there wasn't even Cowboys back in the Alien times.

   Wanna make your girl scream when ya have sex fella's?? Call her and tell her where ur at!!

   Some friends I would trust with my life, others I wouldn't trust with my drink and the rest I would be mad to trust with my girlfriend.

   Lawyer to Mickey: Sorry Mickey I can't divorce you from Minnie because she has big teeth.......Mickey to Lawyer: Sir, That's not what I meant when I said she was f*cking Goofy!!

   I hate it when I'm daydreaming and some retard waves his hand in my face.