Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.

   Watched way too much Shark week episodes last week. I fell off a pool float yesterday in the pool and started panicking.....

   Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.

   My life is like watching The 3 Stooges in spanish

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!

   I took my friend Damien (aka C-Brick) to see the premier of the new Planet of the Apes film. He spent most the night signing autographs after the movie....

   Secret Lovers my a$$! Why be someone's dirty little secret when you can be someone else's pride and joy?

   Monday sounds alot like "Mundane"...just sayin...:(

   It was so hot today I had to stick my head in the oven just to cool off...

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I am like that one song on your iPod that's five times louder than the rest.

   During sex, I like to freak out my girlfriend by saying stuff like, "Fu*k me like a cold glass of milk"

   Every Villain In Movies: "But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so someone can come and save you"