Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At some point I'm gonna have to start foingto the gym or do crystal meth. Just Sayin

   ever notice they can gossip for 2 mins on the radio about the kardashians, but they only have 10 secs for the weather or traffic??

   If my bosses don't come through soon with an iPhone, iPod, iTouch, and iPad to elevate my job-based technology access, then I'll be giving them a spanking new iQuit.

   LIKE if your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes then you never do it.

   When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.

   I bought a new roll of Bounty paper towels and misplaced them. Does that make me a bounty hunter now?

   I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. But rain on a woman wearing a white T-shirt and no bra makes me VERY happy!

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Decide “My boy fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   Just because your a great grand-mother does not give you the right to wear "Juicy" on the seat of your pants...

   based on your status updates I've come to the conclusion that you enjoy being miserable and I have no sympathy for you.

   'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

   Flexible people are lucky, when they feel a lack of praise, they can bend over and kiss their own asses :P

   Drinking and driving is twice the fun in the snow

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus

   When stopped by the police and asked if you have any drugs or firearms, it is never a good idea to say, "Why? What do you need?"

   Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P

   Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.