Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   it wrong to be this excited about Paranormal Activity 3 coming out in October? Well if it is, then I don't want to be right

   you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story

   Everything funny has already been said. The End.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   When are Korn and Hole going to tour together?

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   Never choose someone who suffers from constipation to be your "In case of emergency" contact, because they don't even answer when nature calls and they won't give a s****

   The problem with you young and dumb fellas is that you treating the females you loving with the same kind of respect that you treat the ones that you are just screwing.

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.