Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be pushed around by your problems; be led by your courage.

   if she is wearing silly bands she is too young for you Bro!

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   Twinkle, twinkle little star, show me to the nearest bar, down the street and to the right, I'll be there...all damn night!!

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.

   more frustrated than a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll downhill

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !

   There's nothing worse than being cheated on...actually being cheated on with someone unemployed and ugly is worse.

   I got 99 problems...dont be the 100th.

   have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   Two rules of success in life: 1. Always have some secrets. 2.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.