Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   It cracks me up that most people who say "you don't know sh!t from Shinola" don't know what hell Shinola is in the first place.

   Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   A true pervert can tell always tell you about the hottest centerfold that he has ever come across.

   Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.

   I think the phrase "Cop an Attitude" is totally ironic considering most cops I've ever come across have sh*tty attitudes.

   Religion is all-too-often a refuge for scoundrels.

   They tried to throw a surprise birthday party for me with fun games but someone let the cat out of the bag. All was not lost however because they left the other cat in the Pinata.

   Want to know why Americans are better than the rest of the world? We are Americans.

   Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   I dont need to see the video of what happended on 9/11. I remember it like it was yesterday.

   Something about seeing a mattress salesperson awake and sitting at their desk doesn't promote their product.. I wanna see someone passed out and snoring

   Never have a tea party with your daughter if you know the only water she can reach is the toilet.

   Jesus Christ & U. S. Veterans are the only forces that offered to die for you.

   Just ONCE on Blues Clues I would like for the "mail" to be from a bill collector.

   I wonder if Professional Boxers ever tell their friends that they are "as pleased as punch."

   Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   Describing a woman as "Fine" evokes a certain mental image. Describing her as "Fine as Frogs Hair" evokes a completely different image. For example Courtney Cox is "Fine" but Courney Love is "Fine as Frogs Hair."

   Waterbording's more fun than a polygraph.