Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   Here's a bit of advice for you....ADVI

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Check this one out.........1

   Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.

   I've yet to see a pair of boots that"weren't" made for walking.

   Sometimes you're the poo and sometimes you're the shoe.

   My life is like this. I need a spoon but the only thing they offer are chopsticks.

   Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

   It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.

   I get really uncmfortable when people ask embarrasing questions about sex. Like:"Is that it?"

   That's ok. Iv'e been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.

   What's the deal with deaf people? Like, Hello?

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   I just asked my buddy who's lived in Texas on a farm his whole life how many sexual partners he's been with. Strangely enough he started counting and fell asleep. O.o

   If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

   I'm proud to say I'm a humble person