Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   The statement to th right is true..the statment to the left is false

   I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

   Buying 12 cases of diet soda a week is defeating the purpose of diet soda

   I like Cee Lo's "Forget You," but it doesn't compare to N.W.A.'s "Forget Tha Police"

   "Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"

   what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)

   i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.

   Hey baby, whats your sign? Girl blushes and says: stop! Me: Oh, I thought it was slippery when wet.

   Obama has given a whole new meaning to the phrase: "Once you go black, you won't go back"

   every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.

   why have a guy with a six pack, when the guy with a keg brings the most fun?

   your always smiling while you play on the rain and frowning when you play in the sun.

   I used to hate going to family weddings. All my aunts uncles used to poke me and say, "You're next!" They stopped doing it when I'd say the same thing to them at funerals

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?