Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars

   She's not a slut, she's like Wi-Fi without password, everyone enjoys it.

   When someone is bringing more sorrow than happiness into your life, it's time to show them the exit door.

   Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?

   A "single serving" is as much as I decide to eat in one sitting and I dare you to tell me otherwise.

   A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That's where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

   It's Facebook people. Don't put photos of sunsets or cartoons or pictures of you cat.......post a photo of YOU for cryin out loud as your profile (showing some cleavage isn't a bad thing either)

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!

   I wanna open a condom shop called The Hardwear Store..what ya think?

   The Greeks have stopped producing humas and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   The wrong relationship will have you feeling more alone than when you were single..

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   LIKE IF you hate when you're listening to the radio, and every radio station is on commercial.

   If ‘real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.

   The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Drinking Without Breathing