Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   me: how much is that shirt? vendor: for you sir? me: no, no, for you, remembrance from me.

   You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops

   If you do not like the way I solve things, then don't create a problem for me.

   IF you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M355463 53RV35 70 PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1N6 7H1N65! 1MPR3551V3 7H1N65! 1N 7H3 B361NN1NG 17 W45 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 L1N3 Y0UR M1ND 15 R34D1N6 17 4U70M471C4 11Y W17H 0UT 3V3N 7H1NK1N6 4B0U7 17, B3

   I have in fact fallen more walking up stairs then falling down stairs.

   A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Obama was only elected so they could blame the black guy !!! mmm hmm <finger snap and head bop with attitude>

   don't feed me any BS. I don't eat that part of the cow.

   Can't wait for the "Ineliga-Bowl" game tonight with Ohio State vs Miami. Both schools filled with scandals and vandals!

   My dog ate a whole bottle of Tums. I freaked! I called the Vet and asked him what I should do. He said to take him out for Mexican.

   Everyone hit this Jeffry it will calm you down

   In grade school I dreamed of having a supersized tree house and a flyable jetpack. now that I'm grown up all I want is 2 dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul Commercial.

   I told some guy his fly was open. He asked me if I noticed a soldier standing at attention. I said. "No, I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

   Girls..You know that "amazing" man in your life? News flash...he's fooling you and you're just eating it up.

   You smell like you passed through the system of a 90 year old!

   Something couples do together that causes breakups is called Home Improvement