Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a low tolerance for pain... but the up side I can endure A LOT of pleasure.

   A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.

   We all have that one friend we used to get wicked and do crazy stuff with but then they suddenly flipped on us and overnight became a hardcore religious nut and now can't hang out together due to spiritual differences.

   what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.

   how come the bus driver is the only one with a seatbelt?

   Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

   Congratulations! You have just won 100,000,000 dollars in the mobile draw reply with full name, D.O.B, address etc. to claim your price. By courtesy of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe.

   There are certain days in the year where it's socially acceptable to act like a retard. Someone tell the people here it's not one of those days...

   Maybe Oscar wouldn't have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he's homeless

   'C' is for cookie; that's good enough for me.

   Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.

   Justin Bieber's parents must be so proud of her

   If your life and or feelings are are better because you're now posting anonymously... It's time to re-evaluate your life choices my friend. That's just sad. There is actually a "real world" out there.

   It takes real courage to suck another man's c@ck. And any man who can do it can dern well defend the nation I love.

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture..?

   If you blame others for your failures, do you credit them with your success?

   went to the Dr. to have a physical done, he told me that I have to stop masterbating, I asked him why? He said "because I am trying to examine you!"

   As long as there is someone up in heaven to protect me, there is no one on earth who can mess with me.

   went to the walk in clinic to find out why my willy was orange, the Dr. asked me "what do you do all day?" Well, I like to surf porn and eat cheetos.

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.