Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show

   Obama says the GOP would cripple the country if they won the presidency. Well, at this point being crippled would be an improvement. I'd rather be Christopher Reeve than Terry Schiavo

   Put Party Rock Anthem as my Alarm so I wake up shufflin..

   I have a toothache. Sorta. Some chick with loose teeth was giving me skull and bit me. There's a bicuspid implanted in my c*ck.

   Google became a teenager today, so prepare yourself for it to become unreliable, moody, and unresponsive to your questions. Happy 13th BDay Google

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   should've known it wasn't going to work out between me and my ex. I'm a Leo and he's an A$$hole.

   Kinda cool seeing the page count here look like years we know!

   Happy 13th Birthday Google... I hope you find what you've been searching for ; )

   The 'Will be ready in 5 mins" of a woman and the "Will call you back in 5 mins" of a man are same thing!

   Clingy ex's are like toilet handles.Occasionally we have to flush many times to get some pieces of krap to just go away.

   I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   The NEW FACEBOOK is just like THE MATRIX MOVIE...luks amazn but no s**t I can understand!!!

   I love animals, especially with veg and gravy....

   Somewhere in the world, a Jehovah Witness is plotting his next door knock.

   that feeling going into a multiple choice test knowing you will use process of elimination to get all the questions right and then seeing all four choices could be right.....DAMNIT

   Dear Reality, I've a list of people you forgot to slap!

   Some memories are wonderful to make but painful to remember.