Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   I've just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn't need my assistance, so I'm going back to bed

   Its hard to love someone you don't trust. Its even harder to love someone who doesn't trust you.

   I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.

   Hey Monday┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example

   I just wan't some head, you can keep the sex.

   The uneasy Sunday church moment when you know that same chick in the choir got rained on with dollars last night at the strip club.

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   People Dont Leave bad Companies, But they leave Bad Bosses

   OK let's get this straight. You are human tennis elbow, a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth, kitty litter on the floor when you're walking barefoot in the middle of the night... Why don't you like me?

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   They should invent a game for people with bad breath.. I would call it "Taste the Colgate!"

   Love and be loved, Smile and be smiled upon .. no good has ever came from a bitter heart.

   pretty sure he knows people who stood in line for a second helping of "a special kind of stupid."

   Remember that your glass is always half full...if not...HEY BARTENDER!!!

   zombie rule #57 - you cannot armbar a zombie.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(