Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

   My gym bag is so funny. Today it was like “What does the outside of your car trunk look like?” and “What's a gym?”

   Don't you hate when your friends embarrass you in front of your real friends

   What kind of jerk would put a cat in a bag? I'm just so relieved it's out.

   Tries to make his burps sounds like a Transformer.

   I've given up looking for my soulmate. Just looking for a holemate now.

   The Running Man may no longer be a trendy dance move but it's still a totally great way to get out of a boring conversation.

   walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...

   I'm gonna go all Kazoo solo and Haiku Freestyle on the next person that says I'm not Gangsta!!!

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   obama first black to go in the white house wiith out a brush

   I'm going to go protest corporations todmorrow. I'll wear my shirt from Macy's, grab my Cannon camera, hop in my Jeep® Grand Cherokee Laredo and tell my friends on facebook® (via my iPhone) to join me! (We'll be meetin up afterward at Starbucks)

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   what do you call a white man surrounded by 500 black men...."Warden"

   Look just cuz I wont go by you tampons doesn't mean I don't love you...Hell didn't I buy you like 3 rolls of Bounty...That's called a Compromise...

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id