Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.

   i can outsmart a lot of ppl on a computer...it's the real world that makes me look like an idiot

   I think the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save energy....The last time I tried it I ran over a guy on a moped!

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   wants to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put push-pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

   watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old.

   wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"

   Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.

   I hate the people that cover up their answers, Like c'mon.. Lets work together bro..

   Why don't you go buy a diary Instead of posting your whole life story on Facebook?

   To Tweet.. or Not to Tweet..? That is the question... Whoa..Wait! I DID NOT just Say that!

   My WTF moment of the day... Two pretty girls poke me..Then proceed to slap a fresh pic of them with their Bf on their wall.. wtf!

   Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

   Does anyone else feel like their in a horror movie... EVERYTIME they step in the shower? Or is it just me?

   getting suspicious of my wife. Every time I come home early our parrot yells, Quick, Out the window.

   its National Coming Out Day. What ever you do don't take that call from Grandma. Trust Me on this.