Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it crazy that when I go to stores and have to sign my name for stuff I sign "Daffy Duck"...I mean I guess its not a problem unless Daffy Duck steals my identity right??

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   It's annoying how people on facebook, post sad youtube videos or lyrics because they aren't over their ex. I've always wanted to say this to you. your ex doesn't give a crap, Your depressing post piss me off to no end, and I don't think he/she loves you.

   sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I sh*t on?”

   Mark your calendar - Valentines weekend, 2013. Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard.

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   why is everyone complaining, my Blackberry is working just fine, holding all the papers down on my desk.

   Great news for BlackBerry users: a solution has been emailed to you.

   overheard at walmart ; customer service needed in the sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls.

   The last time I touched a nice ass was when my hand went through the toilet paper

   in the future i'm gonna be telling my kids "back in my day we sat the DVD player on top of the tv"

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   I'm pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.

   You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a b!tch"

   How many of my friends out there update their status' on their Blackberrys?....well?....Hello....<crickets>

   Dear Blackberry, I think it's nice that your honering Steve Jobs death with a 3 day silence.

   When something bad happens you have 3 choices, You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.

   Should I wear my top up... or down ... or up... or possibly... tucked in?