Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.

   A relationship is like standing on wet cement..The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"

   It sucks whenever you hear a song you really like in public but you don't know the name of it.

   "If you want to fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down!"

   I don't know if I walked in to the wrong restroom, but it smells like fish in the men's room.

   Yo facebook friends, My Blackberry's out so give me a wall.

   If you like mine, I'll like yours. Status people...talking STATUS!

   Note to self: thanks for always being there.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.

   It appears my back was made for stabbing

   carrying a Coach purse, driving a few years old Lexus and paying for your food order with your Access card! I hope you get herpes. Meanwhile I will try and get by on unemployment you f'n baby factory.

   Our neighbor said he wouldn't mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.

   There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

   What do you call a Lesbian that lives in Alaska? A KLONDIKE!

   It's okay ladies, I understand. If I did twice the work and got half the credit I'd go crazy too.