Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

   Clit rings are sexy, as long as her clit isn't the same size as Shaq's big toe

   if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.

   Men who cry don't have nut sacks, they have testical purses.

   Ladies: During sex, keep your heels on because when it's over he's kicking your a$$ right out.

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   When I was her age I was riding a bicycle, not d!ck.

   I feel like tap dancing… on someone's face with golf shoes on

   I feel sorry for all the bald horses in the world. Black women only think of themselves.

   Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this op

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

   I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   Just for the record, I don't own a turntable anymore.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, Why don't I have a record deal? Then I take them off and I know why.