Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm about to yell inside an envelope!....voice mail..b*tch

   Whoever said “nothing is impossible” has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   Taking a test at school: My answer is Yes. If yes please explain...my answer is No

   I hate it when someone else buys the things I mentally claimed

   I don't know what's more awkward, Answering Dora, Or sitting there in total silence while she stares at you..

   everybody is always the same thing for Halloween...drunk as sh*t

   If I wave at you, you better wave back and not make me look stupid!

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day.. everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   i like to scare girls a bit by telling them"We are going to meet my parents" on the first date.

   Studying: The act of texting, eating, and watching TV with an open textbook nearby

   Childbirth is nothing compared to walking through tall grass with sh!tty a$$ Pokémon.

   Guess I better watch the end of this little baseball game so I can say tomorrow ' yeah I saw that,didn't think (___insert winner here___) would pull it off ! The lengths I go just to fit in. ;-)

   What does frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl all have in common? A dumba$$ who forgot to take it out in time.

   If I don't make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.

   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck? Well breaking a condom is 18.

   Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.

   Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.