Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hold your shoe up to your ear in public, you can hear the sound of people laughing at you for looking like a dumb-a$$.

   once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain

   It sucks when you pass by an incredibly good looking person, but then you realize it was just a mirror.

   Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.

   Hey ladies, you know who finds your period attractive? Sharks.

   When you're walking and texting and you walk slower and slower and slower till you're just standing there texting..

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin....

   That uneasy moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do with your life any more.

   I forget. How on Earth did we ever find out what the weather was like before Facebook?....Oh, now I remember, we looked out the window.

   Who else thought Spongebob's parents were cookies?

   "You're so ugly!" "Really?" "Yes!" "Good, I was trying to look like you today..."

   Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

   Don't judge me for saying girlfriends don't watch football. If you have a girlfriend that loves football, she should be your wife!

   That rather uneasy moment when your Arab friend says, "I'm the bomb!

   Music Teacher: “What is your favourite musical instrument?” Fat Kid: “The lunch bell.”

   I dont know wheather to rake or shovel...

   The neighbor that is a cop was not so concerned why I was naked, but wanted to know how I got in the backseat of his car and cuffed myself last night.

   I think my neighbor it drunk, he is taking his Christmas lights down!

   I don't have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to bullsh!t.

   Ladies: There's something just not right about having to take the batteries out of your TV remote to use in your vibrator.