Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

   me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Send" button

   In some places in India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.

   Roman numerals. What are they good IV?

   There's a thin line between genius and insanity, and I'm that line. Genius by nature, insane by choice.

   My policy towards g@ys is the same as my policy towards vegetarians. More g@ys means more women for me. More vegetarians means more meat for me. Its a win win situation.

   You know when you need a new pillow when you can fold yours into fourths.

   sir, you can't take that unopened bottle of diet coke on the plane because it could be a bomb... just go put it in that garbage can over there with all the other could-be-bombs.

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me..

   Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.

   today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere

   maybe I need to re-think this ghost costume I'm wearing... I do live in the ghetto afterall

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward