Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..

   Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.

   Obama supporters are in SUCH denial about EVERYTHING! We're on to you..accept it.

   Hey thanks for the event invitation. I live in Florida, but I'll leave for Utah immediately 'cause God knows I wouldn't wanna miss your sh**ty band's gig at Paul's Bowling Alley.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   Why, when my dad left his phone in the car his phone rang and the ringtone was "Love in this club" by Usher???

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

   Oh it's on like a pops rocks blow job!!

   Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this christmas by giving her a shovel.

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   Life is just a long, sick game of "Would you rather."

   It's kind of disappointing when you're reading someone's bio on any site and are somewhat interested, but then you reach the end and it says you don't like me, then PISS OFF!!!" Well, that was rude

   McDonalds and Roaches will be here forever