Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   jacob to bella, 'what does he have that I dont have', bella says 'shiny disco balls'

   my 2 yr old nephew said he wants to see poosy and booobs,.. I said huh? oooohh puss and boots!

   Happy 236th Birthday to my fellow Marines .. Semper Fi .

   Can we get some National Guardsmen from the Kent State area to Penn State ASAP?

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Ladies: Don't ever cry when it's over, be grateful that you dodged that bullet and laugh at what the next b!tch has to put up with.

   Shoot for the moon.Even if you miss,you'll land among the stars...Or you will be sucked into a black-hole and never heard from again.

   Dear idiot: If I give you a nice big straw, will you leave me alone and go suck the fun out of someone else's day? Sincerely, Annoyed.

   You know the NCAA won't punish the Penn St. football program unless Sandusky gave his victim's dad a free car.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.

   ''You ask!'' ''No, you ask!'' ''Pls just ask?'' ''why cant you do it?'' ''Fine.. excuse me, can we have some ketchup?''

   It's so hot here, gangsters are doing drive bys with squirt guns.

   That Moment of Fame when your name is in a math problem.

   Admit it, Once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed

   As an ex-construction worker, when I see a "lost" cone on the roadway a little piece of me dies inside.

   It's so cold out that I saw two gangsters with their pants UP

   TICKLING; Is like being raped but you're forced to laugh... And I totally hate it - _ -

   When I bite into a Peppermint Patty..I get the sensation in my nipples and they point due south