Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the sky! ..stop asking

   I'm a member of the C.S.I.: "Can't. Stand. Idiots."

   It's really annoying when people tell you to be yourself, just as you're about to turn into a lamp.

   Where my knickers at? Oh wait, they're just chillin' with my britches

   u can try to get over me but you never will.

   That demoralising moment when you're starting a new chapter of your life only to realize that's it's exactly the same as the last chapter.

   Every girl has their favorite period underwear.

   I just turned on the news and they said "The Occupiers are trying to figure out where to go to next." How about a job interview?

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   The best kind of laughter, is laughing so hard it's silent.

   Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction.

   I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.

   Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!

   If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.

   Why I love winter: 1. Christmas morning with my kids 2. Snow 3. My wife keeps her clothes on during sex. 4. Liquor in my car stays cold

   Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.

   If abortion is murder, aren't comdoms kidnapping?

   Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable, it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out :)