Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.

   I wonder if my drug dealer is going to have any Black Friday deals.

   n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?

   I've found "the more the merrier" to be a dangerously inaccurate cliché.

   Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.

   "Love me tender." - pirate describing his fondness of breaded chicken

   I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.

   I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.

   Wrote a screenplay called "Primal Justice" about a high dollar lawyer gorilla torn between his code of ethics & his lust for power/bananas.

   Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.

   in the dictionary everything starts with e.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

   says If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   patiently waiting for the day when I need to set the alarm on my clock to wake up in the morning.

   Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.

   As Ole Fred Sanford would say, "You big dummy".

   If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.

   changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination

   Can't believe that Facebook won't let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.

   Pretending you're the host of a cooking show, when you're home alone cooking.